Sirius Black's Journal
by KF182
Summary: CHP 8 IS UP! FINISHED! It's Year One at Hogwarts. Sirius Black has just emerged from a Dark family into the light of one of the best schools for witches and wizards. Will Sirius be able to win the acceptance of already mistrusting yearmates?
1. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I would be laying out on a beach in Hawaii and not living in this stupid town. So, no.**

**Author's Note: I'm not sure where this is going, or how long & far I'll take it. OK- If it's in italics, it's the diary entry. That's all!  R&R, please.**

**Sirius Black's Diary**

Sirius Black had been caught out of bed after curfew again. It was the third time this week.

"Black, I am utterly disappointed in you. It's only the second week! I would give you a month's worth of detentions, but Professor Dumbledore thinks otherwise.

"So I am providing you with this blank book. While I cannot force you to write in it, it is my hope you will. Professor Dumbledore seems to think all you need is an outlet for your frustrations."

"That all, Professor?"

McGonagall sighed. "Yes, Black." She handed him the book.

**_Thursday, September 12th_**

_Can you believe it? I got off with just this book as my punishment. It's not my fault that there's nothing to do here. No one wants to talk to a Black, and the people that do won't 'cause I'm in Gryffindor. So I go walking around the castle at night to clear my head, I guess. I know the castle better than the teachers, I reckon. I found this passageway by this statue, and I think it leads to Hogsmeade. Wish I had some way to hide myself so I could go, but whatever._

_No one's up right now…just that pale peaky kid. Remus or something. He's up at the window, looking out on the grounds. Quiet bloke, he reads a lot. He's the only one who's spoken to me, but that figures out all right 'cause he's a Muggle-born. My dad would have a fit if he knew I was associating with a guy that has "bad" blood. Maybe I should try and get to know the kid…_

Sirius Black had dark circles under his eyes from his nightly jaunts. His year-mates looked strangely at him when he stayed in the next night. He had, so far, left the dorm every night and they had not tried to stop him since the first time. He had thrown James Potter into a door.

"Bugger off, you nosy idiot!" he had roared and tossed the black-haired boy into the heavy door. With some quick spell work, Remus Lupin had slowed the boy's progress. James' only injury was an aching pride. Sirius noted that James especially ignored him. That was a shame, for unbeknownst to Sirius, for the two would have gotten along quite well.

With an unreadable expression, Sirius slung the draperies shut and settled into bed. Outside the heavy curtains, James had engaged the witless Peter Pettigrew in a heated, albeit one-sided, chess match. Remus was curled up in a squashy armchair reading a heavy book and munching on some chocolate. Sirius tuned out the frustrated yelps and soft flicking of pages being turned as he opened his book.

**_Friday, September 13th_**

_Breakfast was fairly uneventful. It was good fun to watch Peter Pettigrew drip his orange juice all over the lap of his robes and not notice. I almost started laughing, but I caught Potter's eye at that moment. We both desisted our laughter and glared. Funny how chucking someone into a door can be such a damper on possible friendships. Plus, it's not like he'd ever speak to me. I'm a Black and he's probably heard all about me from his Auror father. I know I sound rather old and close-minded by saying that, but it's the truth. _

_It's Friday the thirteenth. Everyone is atwitter. They're all running around, purchasing as many good-luck charms as possible. Personally, I enjoyed the quiet in the common room._

_Classes were mildly interesting except for Defense Against the Dark Arts. For one thing, we had it with Slytherin. Half the kids in that group know me, and let's say they weren't too chuffed at having me "switch sides". And the lessons were dreadfully elementary; I knew all the answers. But I heeded Father's one piece of intelligent advice: Don't let on about how much you know. I suppose the same thing is going to apply to Transfiguration. _

_Never even made it to Potions…More about that later._

_I've got to calm down…I still feel guilty about my actions to Potter and Lupin. They're my year-mates and I've got to get on all right with them._

"Watch it!" Sirius snarled.

A tall, greasy boy with long tangled hair had tripped and fallen into him. It was Potions class, and the potion was a finicky beast. The greasy kid had knocked Sirius' cauldron and almost tipped it. The green potion lapped hungrily at the edge of Sirius' black cauldron. With excellent reflexes born from Quidditch, Sirius quickly righted the precarious pot. Not a drop hit the floor, but still Sirius looked expectantly at the other boy. He wanted an apology. In natural Slytherin manners, the boy had merely swore. His name was Severus Snape, and he was a first-year Slytherin. Sirius would never admit it, but he had known the boy since birth. He hated him with a passion, and Snape was quickly learning to return the favor. Neither one wanted to admit to their house that they knew the other. For Sirius, it was just another tie to his Dark past. Snape had to go.

Potter looked over his simmering potion to watch Sirius. Sirius knew that Potter was not particularly fond of the greasy haired Snape, but that did not even come to mind when Sirius reacted. He had just caught Snape trying to dump a carefully selected assortment of ingredients that, if combined, would cause Sirius' concoction to explode.

"I'm not stupid, Snape. Why don't you shove off with those ingredients, you greasy git," Sirius remarked casually, languidly stirring his steaming liquid. Snape looked furious at being caught. After displaying a rather rude gesture for Sirius and the nearby students to see, he attempted to hex Sirius. The Potions master was conveniently busying himself with a stack of papers; he was a timid fellow who hated confrontation. Snape, upon finding his wand mysteriously flying across the room, advanced to Sirius. His fists were raised.

Sirius let the insulted boy get just close enough to touch. Then, he quickly performed the full body-bind spell. Snape froze and fell backwards with a dull thud like a wooden plank. Sirius and several other students laughed uproariously as even Snape's fellow Slytherins turned their backs on him. In just two weeks Snape had shown that he was an outcast up to his deformedly large nose in the Dark arts. Snape looked around, for he could only move his jet black eyes. Sirius had done a thorough job. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius thought he saw Potter laughing. But when he looked closer for certainty, Potter had turned around. Sirius was not quite sure why he wanted Potter's acceptance so much. It just seemed to matter.

He released Snape from the body-bind. Having been completely embarrassed, Snape refused to give up. He snuck behind Sirius, who sensed the disturbance and calmly turned around.

"Move, Snivellus."

A legend was born.

**_Sunday, September 15th_**

_Honestly, how daft could that prof. be? It's like he didn't want to stop the "fight". Well, it never really escalated to that, but whatever. It's not like I was in any danger; Snivellus never was great shakes at the whole attacking thing. As far as I can tell, he's pretty useless unless you want an abnormally hard potion brewed. Sure he could recite every flippin' Dark spell under the moon. But it's not like he could ever perform it. _

_I think Potter laughed when I had Snivellus locked up. I'm not sure why I want his assurance so much, but I think I'm…Well, I think I'm lonely. I know that sounds odd. But Potter fits in so easily…I get my fair share of admirers, yes, but Potter's still like him after they hear him speak. He's a bit thickheaded, though. I caught him mooning after that Evans girl. She's quite pretty, and a Muggle-born. But I never did like red hair…_

_Anyways, that's inconsequential. (Big word, eh?)_

_It's pretty late, on a Sunday. I know it's odd to have Potions on a Sunday and all, but it was supposed to be on Friday. Some boy (surname was Longbottom, I think) knocked over the ingredients cabinet. Made quite a mess, apparently. I was running late after passing out in the library. I got down to the dungeons and everyone was tearing out of there faster than a flying thestral._

_Lupin is gone. Something about a sick mother, according to McGonagall. Honestly, it took me a minute to realize he was gone. He's very solemn for a kid, but I guess I share that with him. My mum always said I was too mature for a child, not enough like Regulus. If you ask me, I'd rather be quiet and understand things than be loud and get confused. But I've got it backwards, if you're listening to my mother. _

"Oy, Black? You there?"

Someone was banging on the draperies around Sirius' bed.

"What in the name of God are you doing! This is an ungodly hour to be up, you heathen!" Sirius roared and ripped the curtains open. Potter's wide eyes blinked under disheveled black hair. His hand was frozen in the act of knocking once again. Mouth open in gaping shock, Potter was surprised at Sirius'…"interesting" language.

"Look, Sirius, just don't throw me into a door," Potter said dryly. He had recovered swiftly and arranged his face into an expression of complete sarcasm. "And it's only eight in the morning. Do you plan to grace us with your presence at breakfast?"

Sirius rubbed his eyes. These people were his roommates, and he needed to be liked. Desperately, he wanted reassurance. "Look, I'm sorry. Forgive my rustic language, I am the heathen! It's the effect of Mondays, they choke me…Look, I can barely breathe…" And he threw himself onto the pillows, worn out by the exertion of his flowery language.

Potter looked nonplussed. "Right."

As he left the dorm, he could just barely hear Sirius swear and then the unmistakable thump of someone tossing him or herself back into bed. Smiling for the first time that day, he moved on.

Back in the dorm, Sirius lay tired and defeated.

"This is what I get, trying to be nice…" Sirius sighed aloud. "What is wrong with me!"

A dry voice slipped through the room. "Mayhap you smell."

Sirius looked up to see a pale, weary Remus slide through the door. Sirius noted, as if seeing for the first time, that Remus was oddly thin and had huge circles etched under his eye. Sirius rolled his eyes for dramatic effect. "Oh, I smell like a daisy! What ever are you talking about?"

Remus smirked and shook his head. He looked like he wanted a good bed more than anything, but he threw himself onto Sirius' bed. "What's up?"

Sirius sighed. "It's nothing." As much as he wanted to, he could not bring himself to open up like this. Remus was a good fellow, but still a stranger. In mute acceptance, Lupin rose and limped over to his bed. He fell backwards onto his bed and stared up at the roof of his four-poster bed.

Sirius was silent for a few moments. He observed Remus with a skeptic eye. With mild shock, he registered a blotch of rusty brown liquid staining the bottom of Remus' robes. Sirius focused on the spot and realized with an electric jolt that it was blood. Just then he remembered Remus' vaguely explained absence from the previous night.

The real question for Sirius was whether or not to ask Remus' about the blood. Obviously, his robe was concealing some sort of injury. That would clarify Remus' limp, which had most certainly not been there the other day.

"Hey, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

Remus cleared his throat. "Shouldn't you be at breakfast, or something?"

Sirius sensed that Remus wanted to be alone. Maybe the excuse about his mum was not a lie. Even Sirius was not so insensitive as to deny Remus his privacy. But still, there was the matter of Remus' injury. To speak or not to speak, that was the question…the obscure Muggle idiom made Sirius smile faintly.

Sirius stood and strode to the door. Thankfully, he had slept in his robes the night before. During one of his breaks he would nip up to the rooms to exchange the robes for a clean set. For breakfast, though, they would do.

Sirius inhaled, hoping that he was making the right choice. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned back to Remus. The peaky boy looked up and raised his eyebrows. It seemed that speaking required too much energy.

"Hey, Remus? If I were you, I would get that leg looked at."

Sirius exhaled.

**_Monday, September 16th_**

_Monday's are never exciting, and this one was no exception. Remus showed up in afternoon class. He didn't look at me. Same with Potter. I'm tired of trying to get close to these people. But I suppose I haven't been doing exactly a capital job of it… Give me some time, and I'll do my best._

_Transfiguration today. It was not exactly riveting, though it was pretty wicked when Professor McGonagall transfigured her desk into a wild pig. Even better when the pig tore around the room and dragged Evans between the desks by her robe's hem. Potter was hilarious; he tried to be all gallant and save her. He ended up spurring the damn thing on. She wasn't particularly pleased about that and I think she's going to begrudge him for a long, long time._

_I can't write much today. I need to sleep for a long time. It's my only escape from the loneliness of this school. I'd rather be off exploring the castle, but McGonagall would expel me for sure. I've never been one for remembering my dreams, so I'm pretty safe when I sleep._

_God, I sound like a twit…_

_I've been thinking about dying…Specifically suicide, I mean. I had an older sister who killed herself. The family doesn't talk about it, and the public reason is because it hurts my parents to hear about it. The real reason is because they're the ones that drove her to it. Her name was Camilla. She looked a lot like me, but with blue eyes…I can just barely remember her. She loved dressing up to go places. Her favorite things were Muggle clothes. She loved their make-up. My parents hated her, because she "befouled herself" by embracing Muggle things. She was five years older than me. She died when I was only seven. No one could believe that a twelve-year-old killed herself. It was Halloween night, and the day before her thirteenth birthday. My dad, after slapping her for wearing Muggle mascara, told her that he and mum were taking Regulus out of town that night. They would get back four days after Camilla's birthday. She seemed to take it fine, but when they left she locked herself in her room. She was supposed to be watching me._

_I got scared and knocked on her door one hour before midnight. She turned off her music and let me come into the room. We sat on the bed, and I talked about how happy I was about her birthday present from me. For the family party, I had gone shopping with Mum and picked out a boring black cloak. But I had snuck out on my own, and gotten her this beautiful Muggle earrings. They were silver, with a globe of glass dangling from each ear. In the glass, bright specks of color danced. They were just the sort of thing she loved._

_She sent me to bed at half past eleven._

_She killed herself at 11:40. I know, because I heard her scream and ran into the room. There were two letters on her table, and her body sprawled out on the bed. I remember the exact time because I looked at her clock. The clock had a big yellow smiling face on it. I hated it suddenly, because she hadn't been happy._

_I threw the clock at the wall and it broke. The pieces scattered across the floor and glinted in the candlelight. The light threw ghostly shadows on my beloved sister's face. The shadows made her look old and tired. Years later, I realized that my sister was old and tired. She had grown older by the second, living with our parents. And she was tired of it._

_I loved my sister, and I miss her so much…Regulus hated me, Mum and Dad hated me, but Camilla loved me. She said so in her letter to me. One letter was written specifically for me; one was to be given to my parents. After Camilla's death, it took me two weeks to even speak. I barely ate for over a month. I lost my star. With Camilla gone, life at home got harder. I ran away frequently._

_At age seven, I vowed to never go trick-or-treating again. To me, it was just a night of tricks. No treats._

So? Continue, or shove it away in dark corner? I kinda like it… I've always thought that it was improbable for Sirius to immediately be loved by everyone. Feedback, PLEASE. Review, my darlings… ;-)


	2. Making Friends, Maybe?

**Author's Note: This new chapter is dedicated to paige-rossi-black, who inspired me to sit down in the middle of the afternoon while watching Gilmore Girls. What I usually do is type updates on my giant weird palm pilot thingy at midnight. So this is for you, paige-rossi-black! Thanks also to JoJo, the anonymous reviewer. ;-)**

…**Peel me off this Velcro seat,**

**And get me moving…**

**-Green Day**

**Sirius Black's Diary**

**_Friday, September 20th_**

_Four uneventful days. Letter from Mum came yesterday. Thank God it wasn't a Howler, and that was what I was expecting. It took her a surprising amount of time to realize I wasn't in Slytherin. I'm sure lovely, sweet Bella told her. Maybe it was revenge for last week, when I flew up to her window on my broomstick and died her hair red and gold. She isn't exactly partial to Gryffindor colors… That creep, Lestrange, slapped her around the face. I almost died laughing, but it was quite hard to explain to my dorm mates why I found my cousin's humiliation so hilarious. In the end I just gave up. One day, perhaps the three of us will understand each other well enough that they can comprehend the intricacies of the Black family, such as it is. Oh, and Peter. I forgot him- He is easily forgotten. Little rat, but he can be amusing._

_But, the point is, Mum knows. Her letter was chock full of insults. "You are a disgrace to all wizards everywhere!" I didn't know one could be a disgrace to thousands of people simply by being placed in the _good_ house. My personal favorite part of the letter was the ending. Instead of a simple "Love, Mum", she had to go all out. "I hope you fall into the Lake and are eaten alive by either the merpeople or the giant squid, whichever is more painful." I would have even settled for even a "Sincerely, Mrs. Black". Anything above pure hatred would have been perfectly acceptable. But whatever. She's informed me that she and my father plan on writing the Head to "discuss" my Housing placement. More like threaten the poor guy. I can see it now… "It is unacceptable that my son be in Gryffindor! He may be an ungrateful boy with no social graces, but he is my son! He should be in Slytherin like very other respectable Black." "Now, Mrs. Black-" "Don't you 'Mrs. Black' me! I won't fall for any of your do-gooder tricks!"_

_Music to my ears._

Sirius Black slept more and more as September progressed. While he only noticed this in the deepest recess of his mind, his year-mates had begun to worry about him. Sure, it was a distant worry, but they did care for him in their own way. But Sirius began to regress away from his peers and did not see this. As he lay in bed, this conversation drifted through his dream of an empty graveyard:

"I'm worried about Black, Remus."

"James, since when do you care about him?"

There was a sigh. "Remus, you make it sound like I hate him.

"You do."

"Ouch, Remus. No need to sugarcoat it…"

Silence.

"OK, so I don't adore him. But he makes it hard. He seems all right, but very distant."

Now it was Remus' turn to sigh. "You make it hard for him to be open."

"God, Remus! He threw me into a door!"

"Let it go, James!"

A door slammed. A whiny voice pierced Sirius' dreamy haze and woke him up entirely. "Remus? What's wrong with James?"

"Nothing, Peter. Nothing at all…" Remus exited the dorm just as Sirius slipped out of bed.

Sirius ignored Peter's plaintative calls. He hectically threw on some mostly clean robes and tracked Remus to a large chair by the common room.

Remus sat very still holding a mug of steaming tea. The only signs of life were his blinking eyes and a slight tremor in his hands. The liquid trembled like Jell-O, but only slightly. Sirius stopped hesitantly; almost reluctant to disturb a boy that he lived with yet barely knew. In fact, all he knew about the pale boy was his affinity for knowledge and his strange escapes from the school. Odd, that after all this time Sirius knew so little about the people he would be studying with for the next seven years. Well, minus one month- the first of August and full moon was fast approaching.

"Well, Black, I can't say I having been waiting for you."

"Maybe I should just go…"

Remus twisted in his plump red seat. "Look, Black. I know you overheard us. But it's true, OK? We _are_ worried about you. But you're off in your own world, and that's during the rare times you're conscious. And there's the business of tossing James…"

Sirius burst. "He should let that go!"

Remus looked sad. "He's not perfect, Sirius. He should, but he can't. You never apologized. From what I've seen, James is pretty proud. He's even more so when he's around you, because you threaten him. You've never seen his good side. He can be friendly and funny, but you haven't given him a chance."

"But-" Sirius broke in.

"No, Sirius. Just think about it," Remus stopped any rebuttal. To further his evident intolerance of debating, he stood and left the common room

"Damn!"

**_Sunday, September 29th_**

_It's night. I've been thinking in the nine or so days between me and Remus' conversation. I just can't do it! I want to. But I can't bring myself to even try._

_Last Monday, I attempted to fix things. I approached James in the morning and tried to talk to him. But he just stared at me and asked me if I planned on chucking him threw a wall next. It really makes me angry that he won't give it up. Sure, Remus says he 'can't'. But anyone can do anything. It's just a matter of wanting it, because if you don't want it you won't get it. That's what my relative, Andromeda, always said. She told me that if you didn't want something to happen, it wouldn't because your subconscious wasn't putting its entire power to the task. So what you didn't want doesn't happen._

_On Thursday, I did the same thing. This time James just looked at me. I've never felt that scorned just by a look. In all honesty, I thought he was going to hex me into next week. This is depressing me…I know that in one of my other entries, I mentioned suicide. When I was reading back over that entry, I realized that it looks like I was contemplating suicide. That's wrong. I could never do that, not when I know what it does to the people who love you. And someone on this earth must love me, because no one is unloved._

_I'm sounding pretty philosophical. Must be the firewhiskey I nicked out of the teachers' cabinet in the kitchens. I thought it would be hard getting in there, but it was surprisingly easy. You just trot down to the painting with the bowl of fruit and tickle the pear. Opens right up, just like magic. Ha. Ha._

_That reminds me: I've started my midnight explorations again. I know that it's only been a bit over a week. I tried, really! But it's hard to just lay here at night. Claustrophobia sets in, and I feel like I'm exploding out of a tiny cage. Lately, I've taken to wandering the dungeons. It's not nearly as dangerous as the upper levels of the castle because the teachers all hate it. Even Professor Scandera, our Potions master, hates it. But he's not exactly the greatest Potions instructor. The dungeons are cold and lonely. I don't risk a light, in case a ghost spots it. Or maybe I just like the dark. Most people think that the dungeons are far more claustrophobic that the dorms, but I disagree. The lower levels are really airy if you're there alone. Which is something most students can't boast of._

_I guess this is all a cover-up. The truth is that I'm lonely and scared. I don't want the next years to progress like this; it's a terrifying thought. I'm not so far gone that I miss home, but it's approaching that point. At least at home I didn't have to spend all of my time with people that hated me. Just some of the time. Wait, scratch that. These people here don't hate me, they just don't understand. _

_No…That's wrong too. Now I sound like a self-pitying brat who is pissed that everything didn't go in his favor. That reminds me a bit of Regulus…Anyways, it's not me. I always thought that once I got to Hogwarts, it would be OK. I would get friends just like that and I would be accepted. I guess I must have known somewhere that it would be the exact opposite._

Remus was gone once again. At this stage of the game, even Peter had noticed. While this odd occurrence had only happened twice, it was starting to bother the fellow first-years. The four boys had not exactly grown close, but they were all aware of each other's presence. And Remus' was conspicuously absent.

By unspoken agreement, the three remaining boys had decided to intentionally not draw attention to Remus' odd absence. Madam Pomfrey had fed them some odd excuse, a dying relative. Or maybe it had been a dying turtle. She had been uncharacteristically distracted and nervous. Sirius noticed her blatantly obvious twitching eyes. She looked like she could use a good, long nap.

So far, their plan was proceeding perfectly. But as the three polar opposite boys shoveled lunch into their mouths –without Remus, they had no one to correct their manners--, a pretty redhead girl strode into view. James looked up, swallowed, and stared enamoredly. Sirius shook his head in light disgust. In his own way, Peter paid the girl an odd compliment. To him, she was so beautiful he couldn't even look up. He continued to eat thick slices of turkey. Sirius tapped his foot impatiently, the future, confident Sirius emerging for the moment.

"What do you want, Evans? We have things to do," Sirius chided.

Unabashedly, Lily Evans glared back. "Civilize yourself, Black."

Sirius smirked. "You're telling me to get civilized? I'm petrified, girl."

James shook his head and cleared the cobwebs. "Um, can we help you, Lily?"

Lily pinned James with a drilling stare. "Don't you try and get all sweet with me, Potter. I've seen you in action."

"Oh, really? Then you must understand that it's much more fun when you're on the receiving end of the action." James winked candidly.

Sirius caught a sudden, unexpected glance at the 'real' James Potter. This, he thought, was what Remus had been trying to explain. The joke had been weak, but well executed. Sirius felt laughter threaten to pop out of his throat. He coughed and squashed the urge. He still could not bear to bring himself that close.

"Alright, Evans. Keep your hairnet on," Sirius said warningly. He could see a classic Lily rage brewing.

"How DARE you, Potter? You are DISGUSTING," Lily whispered menacingly. "I would turn around and leave, if I didn't have a question for you lot."

"Then ask," retorted Sirius pointedly. He was not one for beating around the bush.

Lily inhaled and exhaled. "Where's Remus? I for one have noticed that he's gone again."

James and Sirius exchanged an uneasy glance. Their differences aside, the two united for the common purpose. Save Remus.

"We don't know," Sirius began.

"Yeah, Lily, we're not psychic," laughed James.

"I mean, honestly Evans," Sirius continued, "we're smart. But not that smart. We are definitely not mind-readers."

"Yeah, 'cause if we were psychic I would be able to read your mind. And then I could reveal to the world that you love me!" James grinned smugly. As comebacks go, it wasn't great. But it received a 10 for trying, Sirius thought.

"You're not psychic, Potter, you're psycho!" Lily screamed shrilly. "And if you won't tell me where Remus is, I'll find out myself!"

The fiery girl stormed off. Misty-eyed, James watched her progression with a pleased expression plastered on his face. While James stared happily, Sirius turned to the issue of Lily's decision. She was not one to let things go easily. She was smart enough to get what she wanted, and if what she desired was information on Remus…she might just get it. But he tucked that into his mind for later pondering and returned back to reality. James was still gazing in adoration. Sirius coughed out another laugh. He was enjoying this connectedness far too much to screw it up just by laughing at his dumbstruck roommate. The poor boy could barely breathe; he had it bad. But suddenly, James looked worried.

"Bit odd that she was worried about Remus…" James twirled a fork in serious thought.

Sirius was very big on noncommittal answers to stupid statements. "Mmm," he mumbled aloud. Inside, he thought to himself, It is odd, and you know it! It was obvious that James was worried and possibly jealous.

"You don't think she…?" James trailed off, distraught. He was paling by the minute.

"Oh, no, mate. I doubt that." Even though Sirius had expected the question, it still blindsided him. Lily Evans, one of the prettiest girls in their year, liking pale Remus? It's not impossible, Sirius mused. They're both bookworms. And Remus might be all right looking if he gained a bit of weight.

"Right…" James looked visibly relieved. "That's settled, then. But what are we going to do about Remus? Lily is going to go after his secret, whatever it is."

"I'm not sure, but we should try and stop it."

_**Tuesday, October 1**_

_After the whole Lily thing, James was at least polite. It's not like we're best friends, though. The saddest thing is that I realized just how much I missed being able to just talk back and forth like we did. Lily looked so shocked, seeing us go back and back again talking to her. I miss that kind of banter; it's like having Camilla back again. She always said that you have to know someone pretty well to be able to just pick up the thread of the other's sentence. I hope that's prophetic for me and Potter. I would so like to just have a _friend

_This is pretty monumental. It's the first time I've really felt that I wanted to fix things up and all. I guess Andromeda was right…_

_I've got to end this entry. I'm dead exhausted…we had a pretty hard assignment in Transfiguration. I'm about to fall asleep with the quill in my hand, so I'm signing off…_

**OK, I'm ending this one a little bit sooner than I expected. Mainly that's because one of my favorite System of a Down songs just came on and I have a sudden urge to dance around. But also, I need to write updates for ALL my stories. I'm going on holiday TODAY, and I hate to leave everything all boring and un-updated. (See my love? I'm so caring.) While I'm gone, please review this! So, thanks guys!**

"**Everybody's going to the party, have a real good time, dancing in the desert, blowing up the sunshine…" Haha, gooo SoaD! Ooh, a Green Day song… That just about kicked my last powers of concentration out the door.**


	3. Progress, Spy Lucius, and Soaring Snape

**Disc.: Yawn… No… Yawn…**

**Author's Note: OK, I'm just supposing that Lucius Malfoy was at school while the Marauders were. I'm not positive, but I've seen quite a few stories that say he was, so I'm going off that. Don't hurt me. Because I've always thought that there's no way Lucius Malfoy could possibly be at Hogwarts while they were, but it's important to the story. So we'll just half to remember that this is AU and live with the fact that Lucius was in his seventh year during the Marauders' first year.  Even though it's not probable…**

_**Thursday, October 10**_

_Remus has been quiet lately. I mean, quieter than usual. It's kind of scary. I'm not even sure if James has noticed, but I've seen him watching Remus a lot. Peter, of course, has been a complete, oblivious idiot. Lately I hadn't been seeing him trailing James as much, and I got an idea stuck in my head. I've been noticing him sneak off on his own, so I took it upon myself to track him. I found him meeting up with Lucius Malfoy, a freaky blonde kid who's a quite few years above us._

"_So, Peter… We've established that you don't know were Lupin is flitting off to, correct?" Lucius sneered._

"_Ye-Yes…"_

"_Well, where is he going? Find out, Pettigrew!"_

"_N-no…"_

"_What did you say to me, rat?"_

"_No…" I was impressed. Peter, standing up to Lucius Malfoy?_

"_Get out of my sight, you wormy little creature."_

_In between the conceited grunts, I discerned that Malfoy wants to know where Remus is going once a month. Now, this has gotten to be so apparent that even the slowest of the slow can see it. Of course some have made crude jokes related to it, etc., but it concerns me that Malfoy is involving himself in a first-year's business. It's odd._

_There was scrambling, and I ducked beneath a shelf of books. Peter flew out of there, muttering under his breath. I looked back at Malfoy, who was gathering up his books. He laughed and made some snide remark about Peter, which I didn't pay any attention to. I practically floated back to the common room. Sure, I too wanted to know where Remus was trotting off. But I wouldn't want Lucius Malfoy to know. There's no telling what he might do with that sort of information. I don't know him terribly well, but even MY parents dislike some of the things his family does. But on the outside, they're the best of friends. Sometimes I wonder whether they're acting when they with the Malfoys or with other people discussing the Malfoys. My parents are abnormally good liars._

_When I got back to the common room, I found Remus surrounded by stacks and stacks of books. He looked frantic and worried sick. I wasn't even sure what to do… So I just went over there and sat next to him. It took poor Remus about ten minutes to even see me sitting there. He shifted a pile of books and peered at me with bloodshot eyes. He blinked, and I swear I saw a tear. Not that I would ever mention it to him, because that would just be… Well, it would be very awkward._

"_Remus, why are you working so hard?"_

"_I missed a lot when I was sick, oh… I mean when my mum was sick," he stuttered. God, flashback to Peter. Peter stuttered and stumbled because he was frightened- but would Remus be scared of me? I hope not._

"_Oh, right." This was odd. "So where's your mum?"_

"_Oh…" he said vaguely. "You don't want to be bored with the details, Sirius."_

_I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I did ask."_

"_Never mind that; what about you and James?"_

_See, I like Remus. He seems like a good, solid friend. In my mind, his only detractor from this is his weird absences. Other than that, he's pretty trustworthy. So if I had to name my one friend here, it would be Remus. I'm not really sure when it happened… We just sort of clicked. I know that no matter how many friends I make here or how many years pass, Remus will always be a good friend. Now that I'm done being sentimental and weird, moving on…_

_So I let him get away with the whole changing subject thing. "Well, I'm not killing him and he's not sending me death looks."_

_Remus smirked. "Progress." A slight weight seemed to hover and then float away, which pleased me. Remus is deathly smart, and I like it when I'm able to make someone so intelligent happy._

"_Yeah, whatever," I laughed. "Hey, Remus?"_

"_Yes, Sirius." Remus was clearly itching to get back to the stack of work._

"_Do you talk to James about this?"_

_Remus hesitated. I could tell he didn't really want to tell me, but I wasn't going to leave until he did. He must have seen that in my eyes._

"_Yes, Sirius. And before you waste more time by asking me 'What does he say?', I'll just tell you. Sirius, James is lonely just like you. If you all would just shove your pride…"_

"_Yeah, whatever," I retorted good-naturedly. Inside I was hesitant, because what Remus had said made some sense. Not a lot of sense, but it had struck a chord in my conscience. I knew that Remus could see that I hid something behind glazed eyes and a comeback. I didn't care, and I still don't._

_So I laughed, said good night, and went to bed._

_I felt as if I was drowning. I had this odd urge to just sleep and never wake up. School wasn't proceeding exactly as I wanted it. I guess it's not horrible, and I'm sure there are others worse off. Now that I look back on it, I feel sick with anger. I'm mad at myself for being so self-absorbed. Remus could be dying. It seems like I just don't notice anything that's even slightly important. It's a bit like seeing the clues to a problem, but not being able to connect the dots until someone shows you the lines. _

_Of course, school is far better than home. At home I feel like a china doll. I get stuffed into the proper clothes, and I'm shown off. I get to say the same polite phrases over and over, like a broken record that's stuck on some annoying song. Occasionally, no speech is necessary. Then I simply nod with a smile, all the while listening to my betters without processing the actual words. I just agree. Hell, those people could be talking about how they murdered my mother and I'd just smile and say, "Oh, you're right. That's exactly how I feel."_

_I'm a coward, I know. I'm not as bad as Regulus though- "Yes Mummy!" Oh God, here I go. I can't believe I have to drag Regulus down with me as I sink lower and lower. Regulus is a complete idiot, but he can't help that he was born with his brain attached to Mum. Must be some weird birth defect._

Outside, the weather seems to mirror the students' happiness. It's a Saturday, and everyone is exuberant.

Sirius was pacing the common room, a discarded broomstick lying like trash by an armchair. Two long legs dangled from the very same armchair, and a thin hand clasped at a piece of toast. Sirius glared at the occupant.

"God, Remus, why don't you say something? I've just gone and poured out my heart to you. And all you can do is stuff toast in your face?" Sirius looked comically angry.

Remus paused, and then explained patiently. "Well, Sirius, it's breakfast time."

"Breakfast!" Sirius exploded. "How can you even sustain the notion of food whilst I am in such mortal anguish!"

Remus raised an eyebrow.

Sirius laughed sheepishly. "Well, maybe not anguish."

"More like nerves?"

"Yeah…"

It was the day of Quidditch tryouts. Sirius Black would have preferred to be out in the stands, watching "next year's competition". But instead he was locked in the common room, because he had a Transfiguration essay that was two days late. Remus had been ordered to munch on dry toast while Sirius babbled out words that seemed to form some sort of plea for help.

"I will help you, but you can't cheat off my essay. I like you, Sirius, but not that much."

Sirius flashed Remus his wide, dark eyes in silent begging. Remus looked away firmly, determined to resist the mystical power of those eyes. When Sirius turned on his "puppy-dog face", teachers had a nasty habit of letting him off and polite, nice girls became obsessive stalkers. The men of Hogwarts seethed in jealousy of Sirius' unnatural talents. Sirius seemed to be completely oblivious of his actions, and Remus was (so far) the only person in the castle that had the will to fight the eyes.

"Lamps off, you dog," Remus ordered. It was an accurate comparison- Sirius' eyes sent out beams of mind-blinding light. And if you could remain indifferent to the will of his eyes, you might notice the startling resemblance to a young dog begging for food.

Sirius sighed and muttered an unintelligible phrase that was most-assuredly not suitable for young boys' ears. "Fine. Explain away, O Teacher of the Ignorant."

"More like the naughty boys who draw in class," Remus corrected. "Now, when discussing this theory…"

In another part of the immense castle, James Potter was working on the very same essay. He, however, was struggling through it alone while wistfully watching the Quidditch trials. His essay forgotten, he began to imagine himself out on the grounds. He could not wait for second-year and the promise of Quidditch.

Scratching out an offending sentence, James sighed. "I surrender," he murmured. He tucked his blotched essay into his back and resolved to get Remus' help later in the day. At the moment, he had a Quidditch try-out to study.

"Hey, James!" It was dinnertime, and a wind-blown James had just stumbled into the Great Hall. Remus stood and beckoned the boy over to the last seats of the table. Peter and Remus were sitting there alone, and Remus was desperate for someone normal to speak to.

"I've got to go," Peter muttered as he nervously watched James weave through the throng of people. "Later, Remus."

Remus flapped a hand to the plump boy, only vaguely wondering where he was off to. Peter was rarely in Remus' thoughts, and even then only in the very back. Remus was not being mean; Peter was simply that sort of boy.

"'Lo, Remus," James said.

"James, have you seen Sirius? I haven't talked to him since this morning," Remus asked worriedly.

James' friendly expression immediately turned to ice. He responded coolly, "I haven't spoken to Sirius since yesterday when he threatened to hex me into the next millennium if I didn't move out of the doorway."

Remus sighed. He wanted nothing more than to unite his two friends, because he knew that it was only then the three could become closer. But Sirius was being foolish, and James was being haughty. Both boys possessed a fair amount of pride, and only the insightful Remus could see that they both secretly sought the other's approval. Sirius was being excessively aggressive, especially in the past few days. Remus could only assume it was related to Sirius' latest letter from home.

"Hey, you remember that Howler Sirius got from his mum?" James laughed through a mouth of potato. Remus used a grimace at the flying starch to hide his surprise. Once again, the arrogant boy had proved he had a shred of the insight Remus himself possessed in buckets.

Just as Remus was about to respond, James' expression changed yet again. "Hey, Snivellus!'

It was Severus Snape, and he was walking stiffly through the Hall. His robes fluttered around him, but it would not be for some years until they billowed and swirled. Snape barely twitched at the sound of his now common nickname. It was when he realized that it was James who had spoken that he turned.

"What do you want, Potter," Snape spit. He stalked towards James' seat, knocking other students out of the way.

James was in the middle of deciding which insult to utilize when another dark-haired first-year interrupted. This one was decidedly more welcome.

"Move, Snivvelly. No one asked for your opinion, although I'm quite pleased to discover you have one. I assumed you were simply spewing out whatever trash Lucius Malfoy drove into your pathetic mind," Sirius said breezily. Remus was openly relieved that Sirius had intervened, while James looked slightly hostile.

"Oh, it's Black? Coming to flash your true colors, right, Black?" Snape asked. His tone was not friendly, but not angry. His facial features had been carefully arranged into a semblance of neutrality.

Oddly, Sirius looked furious. It took James and Remus a moment to realize that Sirius truly was angry. Snape seemed to always amuse Sirius, not irritate him. Sirius had proved that his greatest delight was mocking the greasy boy, and when Snape screwed up the courage to throw back an insult, Sirius was pleased. He loved shooting down an opponent. But now, he seemed shamed and enraged.

"Shut UP, Snape. I already have, you greasy kid," Sirius practically shouted. His order had none of its traditional drawl and sarcasm. He was shaking.

"Sirius?" Remus began tentatively. Sirius held up a hand.

"I just thought you might like to inform your little friends of-" Snape stopped. But his halt was not involuntarily. Sirius had roared in pure fury and thrown a spell at the Slytherin. Snape had been hurled across the Hall where he lay dazed. His fellow Slytherins made a few futile attempts to revive him, but it was in vain. Dumbledore and McGonagall stormed down on Sirius. On both there was a dangerous, distressingly angry expression. Remus thought he might have seen just a little pity in Dumbledore's icy eyes, but he could have been mistaken.

"Mr. Black, what do you think you are doing?" McGonagall shrieked. Several other teachers were carrying Snape to the hospital wing. "You have severely injured another student!"

The uncontrollable rage had seeped away from Sirius. He held out his upturned wrists. "Take me downtown, Officer."

While McGonagall and James looked confused, Muggle-born Remus and the all-knowing Dumbledore laughed. Sirius kept his mask of mock-seriousness in place. Interestingly, there were two deep bleeding cuts that criss-crossed on Sirius' right arm. He looked mildly surprised to see them there, as if he had not realized he was injured.

"Oh dear, Mr. Black," Dumbledore spoke softly. "It seems that you are injured. You are in no condition to answer questions."

The blood flowed freely and quickly, so much that even McGonagall looked worried. "Come, Black." She waved her hand dismissively at James and Remus. Sirius turned and looked tiredly at the two boys. But in an instant, he was facing forwards and that moment was gone.

"Watch him, you two," Dumbledore said quietly. "He's different and angry, but his intentions are never malevolent."

Remus nodded, but James just stood there unbelieving. "I see you do not agree, Mr. Potter."

James gulped. "No, sir."

Dumbledore looked through his glasses. "That will change."

**Ta-Da! I veered a little from sticking completely with Sirius and what he sees just for a little variety. Most likely, it will go back to normal in the next chapter. The period of animosity between James & Sirius is nearing a close… Thank God! I hate writing it with the two of them alternately at each other's throats and then civil. So far, I've chosen to avoid direct, written confrontation. But I may add in a fight next chapter or so, just for your reading pleasure… Mwahaha. And sorry for the sole journal entry. Didn't think it through that much… R&R, please. **


	4. The Hospital Wing

**Disc.: Nope.**

**Author's Note: OK, guys. I have a lingering sunburn that is causing me to look the tannest I've ever been & I'd rather be sleeping instead of folding all this damn laundry while listening to Motion City Soundtrack. So consider yourselves privileged, 'cause I'm so tired I could just fall asleep here amongst the thousands of sheets, pillow cases, and super short shorts. So whatever, just review…**

**------------**

In the infirmary, everything glistened. The sheets were crisp and white and the stainless steel trays shone brighter than heaven itself, in the young boy's mind. But Sirius was dazed and confused. His limbs were heavy and he could not speak. A thin sheet separated him from the outer world, and he was terrified for a moment. "Dead…" Sirius choked out. In his mind, he completed the pale thought- Am I dead?

With startling efficency, Madam Pomfrey yanked the sheet apart and began to prepare various liquids. A little of some purple powder combined with a green potion caused a grey cloud to bloom and billow to Sirius' right. When the boy tried to speak, Madam Pomfrey quickly held up a hand.

"Hush, Mr. Black. Silence is good for the soul," the kind woman cautioned as she bustled about Sirius' tiny cubicle.

"…why?" Sirius coughed out.

"Why are you here?" Madam Pomfrey finished, waiting for some sign of confirmation as she stirred the electric blue medicine.

Sirius struggled with words for a moment. In defeat, he decided on a simple nod to get his intentions across. He was scared. He screamed in his mind- Why can't I speak? But he would have to settle for a simple explanation of why he had been shuttered up in this hospital-prison.

"Because you are emotionally exhausted. You will be able to return to the school this afternoon, though I was strongly against it. Dumbledore seems to think that being in the company of your fellow…" Madam Pomfrey stopped abruptly, and shook her head. Then, she continued, "It will do you good, according to Dumbledore, to be with your friends."

That had not been what she had started to say, of this Sirius was sure. He felt a burst of anger towards Madam Pomfrey, but quenched the fire in his desire for information.

"Your little episode with Severus Snape quite clearly exhausted you, and I would have you stay here for perhaps a few more days."

The very thought caused Sirius to tremble, which resulted in Madam Pomfrey veritably smothering him in heavy blankets. After this mission of misplaced good was finished she continued.

"Albus finds that you are overtaxed. Well, I've been telling him since I started here that he is overloading you poor children!" Madam Pomfrey added a bit of red paste to the strange potion, and then continued her vendetta against (as far as Sirius could tell) assigning any work at all to the students. Picking between her words, Sirius divined that he had been placed in the infirmary because Dumbledore was worried. Interesting, but not exactly helpful.

Just as Madam Pomfrey finished her impassionated speech, Dumbledore himself strode into the hospital wing. "Poppy, my dear, will you please excuse Sirius and I?" No other pleasantries were offered, a fact that clearly irritated Madam Pomfrey.

"He needs to drink this…" Dumbledore took the proffered goblet with an elegant bow. He then ushered her out of the room and locked the door.

"Drink this, please, or she won't let me alone for weeks." Dumbledore smiled gently at Sirius, who was felt incredibly confused. Once the drink was downed, Dumbledore settled and began to speak.

"Sirius, I know that you will not inform me of whatever tactic Severus used to ignite your rage so easily. But I believe that you could control yourself far better, because obviously it exhausts you. You have been sleeping for a little over a day, and Remus Lupin was particularly worried. Sirius, would you promise me you will control your temper?"

Dumbledore looked rushed. While Sirius did not know the headmaster very well, he did know that Dumbledore's customary twinkling countanence was gone without a trace. Sirius did not know if what he had done was the object of Dumbledore's troubles, but Sirius did not want to tax the man any more.

"Yes," he croaked. "Promise."

-----------

_**Monday, October 14**_

_Well… They let me out of that hospital about an hour ago. Classes are just about to end. I still can barely speak, but Dumbledore says it's temporary._

_It seems like I've had this journal thing for ages, but it hasn't been that long. I'm still not sure if I should thank McGonagall for giving it to me or chuck it at her head. Probably the first, but I'm more inclined to the second…_

_Anyways, on the whole fight. If it really was that. I don't know if Snape went to the hospital wing like me. Hell, I don't even know why I was really there. I know that Dumbledore used the cut on my arm as an excuse, but it wasn't enough to warrant an overnight stay. I'm not even sure how I got it, but I suspect Snape tried to chop my head off and missed. Or something like that, but it's not really important to me._

_I know I overreacted. I think, according to the smidgen of information I sucked out of Pomfrey and Dumbledore, that I freaked out to such an extent that I passed out upon entry to the hospital wing. Then, apparently, I slept for a while. It kind of scares me, that just a few words could cause this much damage. Because it was what Snape said that caused me to… Well, to do what I did._

_His words are rattling around in my mind. "Show my true colors". I know what he meant, but he doesn't have to flash around to the world that I'm a Black. And by blood, I ought to be a conniving jerk who's completely puffed up and rude to anyone not "pure"._

_But didn't I show everyone I'm NOT that person when I got put in Gryffindor? I mean, it was a little weird at first, but I didn't want to be in Slytherin. I was just surprised, that's all. _

_Anyways, Snape just really got me… I wanted to kill him. I wish I had. Remus is Muggle-born, so he doesn't know about my family. That's one of the best things that I've ever experienced. I mean, not being judged every day for my family's mistakes. But that's gone. I saw the look on James' face, and I know he's got me figured out. _

_It was only a matter of time before he realized I'm thattt Black, with thattt family. It's not RIGHT. I don't deserve this._

_But there I go again, feeling all sorry for myself. I have to go. People are coming up the stairs, and I'm not sure how many questions I feel like answering._

_And maybe… Maybe Snape has told everyone. Maybe they all hate me. I hope not, 'cause I'd rather have the chance to prove everyone wrong._

------------------------

Remus threw his books down on his large, neat bed. There was a human shaped lump in Sirius' bed, which meant….

"Sirius! You're back!" Remus ran over to the occupied bed. He didn't know how to express it… But he had been worried.

Sirius did not move. Remus paused, trying to decide if Sirius was really asleep, or faking it.

"Sirius, I know you're not asleep." Remus shook his friend's shoulder, which produced an effective, if not slightly frightening, result.

"What," Sirius growled, "do you want?" The boy sat straight up. His eyes were bleary and he looked paler than usual. But he seemed all right.

"You're back," Remus repeated. Were the rumors true, his mind questioned. His instincts urged him to run from the boy whose family was reportedly bordline criminal, but he wasn't sure. While Sirius did not know this, Remus had seen him at the train station. A thin woman had pushed Sirius to the ground and split his lip in front of the red train. Sure, she had mended it, but Remus still felt anger rage inside him. Then, when he realized that the woman was the dark boy's own mother… Well, pity had always been one of the leading feelings Remus had for Sirius. So Remus stayed, although he did move back a little.

"You've been listening to the rumors," Sirius said in a soft but gruff voice. He glared at the only person he could call a friend, wondering. Is he even that, Sirius thought. He did not know that the same question was running through Remus' tortured mind.

"I've heard them, but I don't know if I believe them," Remus replied truthfully.

Sirius laid back in the mountains of blankets, watching Remus through slitted eyes. The small window of their dorm cast a faltering light on Remus' face, and Sirius realized that he had been hard on the pale boy. He wasn't looking well.

:Are you sick?" Sirius asked suddenly.

Remus shuffled his feet and evaded the question. "Are you?"

With a shrug, Sirius allowed his yearmate to get away with the deception. "Maybe."

There was an awkward, pregnant silence. Sirius glanced around the empty room, and then brushed his black hair from his clear eyes. He stood and stumbled out of bed. Instantly, Remus slid over to support the weak boy. Sirius glanced at Remus and almost shook him off. But he let Remus guide him to the door. Remus backed off.

"Want some dinner?" Sirius asked.

Remus laughed. "O.K., but you kind of owe me an explanation first."

As the two friends made their way to dinner, Sirius filled Remus in on everything. Starting with a brief family history and then clarification of Snape's comments, Sirius didn't leave anything out. When they reached the iron-clad door, both boys paused. Sirius looked skittishly around. Remus' eyes were clouded, and he seemed to be puzzling out a few of the minor details.

"Look, are you going to hate me or what?" Sirius exploded.

Remus looked startled and shocked. "Hate you?"

Sirius sighed. "I'm a Black. My family has a history of hating Muggle-born, half-bloods, and anything that's not perfectly evil. We're liars and cheats, and not to mention the rare criminal. We discriminate against your kind, Remus. Anyone in your position would run, and…" Sirius gulped. "And I would understand."

Remus looked shrewdly at Sirius. "So you expect me to run?"

"Yes, Remus, I do. Everyone else will."

Sirius stepped in front of Remus and pushed the Hall door open. Remus reached for Sirius' sleeve, which caused the boy to whirl around and raise an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Look, Sirius. Do you hate me because I'm not a pure-blood?"

"No."

Remus broke into a smile. "Then why should I hate you?"

Sirius was lost for words, captured in a rare, serious moment. He followed his friend into the Hall with a tiny smile playing across his lips.

----------------

_**Tuesday, October 15**_

_James was nowhere to be found at dinner last night. Remus and I… Well, we're friends. I think he'd prefer if I could make up with James, but how? I know he's got me figured out… Even though Remus says it doesn't matter about my family, I know better. Remus is just a good kid, and most of these people aren't going to bevery receptive._

_Not at first, anyways. I do intend to win everyone over, because my family can't be THAT big of a deal, right?_

_James is down in the common room with Remus. I bet Remus is trying to convince James that I'm a good person. I am, I really am._

_I'm going down there. Not tonight, but soon. What I mean…_

_I'm tripping all over myself._

_I'm going to make the effort. Soon, soon, soon. I can't do it tonight, because I'm a coward and I'm tired. And Dumbledore says I have to write a letter to Mum and Dad about my illness. Right._

-------------

_**Dear Mum and Dad,**_

_**Hello. Thanks ever so much for your sweet letter to me. I especially enjoyed that the entire Hall got to hear you both screaming at me for being a "traitor".**_

_**I wouldn't write. But Prof. Dumbledore (one of your favorite people, right Dad?) says I have to. I've been sick, but I didn't die so you can't get very excited.**_

_**Anxiously awaiting your reply.**_

_**Sirius Black**_

**---------------**

**I thought it would be kinda cool to end on that note. (haha, pun. Bad one.)**

**I'm not feeling really well myself, so I'm going to end this. My apologies if I seemed rather out of sots at the top of this, I'm just not feeling well. As seen in Sirius' letter home, being ill can cause you to do reckless things… ; - )**

**R&R, please! **


	5. Charms, Version 2

**Disc.: No.**

_**Sunday, October 20**_

_It's been about five days since I last wrote. I have a feeling that something big is going to happen, but I don't really know. Remus has been acting a bit skittish again, and I have a feeling that he's about to disappear to see his sick mother. If that's really who he's visiting._

_I'm not sure about that, you know. It just seems an odd coincidence, but… Well, never mind. It's not my business, so I just won't worry about it._

_Lately, Peter (another one of my roommates) has taken to following James around the castle. Personally, I think Peter and James are both being prats. It looks like James has a little dog that'll trail him around the castle. I can't tell if James hates it or loves it. To me, it looks stupid. If I were James, I would put that to a stop before Peter proposes._

_James and I settled for "coolly indifferent". We're civil for Remus' sake. I think he'd pass out from anguish if James and I so much as argued over the weather. But, to save Remus' head from going prematurely grey, I avoid conflict with Mr. High-and-Mighty._

_Well, breakfast calls._

During Charms the next day, all hell broke loose.

Charms was usually a hectic class, due to the volatile nature of the enchantments being cast. Professor Flitwick, who had just started two years prior, was a tiny little man. He had a hard time controlling the rambunctious class on the best of days. Today was not one of those days.

"Sit down, Mr. Black!" Flitwick squeaked shrilly.

Sirius Black fired off a neatly placed Impendiment Jinx, sending Flitwick flying backwards. He slumped underneath his desk as the rest of his class either attempted to flee or joined in the fray. Only a small girl with brilliant red hair and a smattering of freckles noticed the fallen instructor. Casting a glare at Sirius, she ran over to Flitwick. Sirius grinned bawdily in return, and then refocused on the issue before him.

Halfway through an otherwise boring class, Sirius had accidentally sent his textbook flying. The heavy book flew through the air and crashed noisily into James' head. Rubbing the offended body part, James had whirled around and hefted the projectile onto his desk. He flipped hurriedly through the pages and found the name printed in black ink.

"Sirius Black," he had breathed angrily.

James had thrown himself from his desk and strode to the desk where Sirius sat. It was the lone seat in the back row. Sirius' legs were dangling lazily on a vacant chair, and he was slouched down halfway in the seat. He was twirling the wand in his long fingers, still oblivious to the bit of accidental magic that had sent his Charms text soaring.

"Thought it was funny, did you?" James said in an angry whisper behind Sirius' left ear.

Sirius twisted in his seat to look at a red-faced James. "What?"

Wordlessly. James had dropped the Charms book on Sirius' desk. In the front, Professor Flitwick was wringing his hands nervously. He finally chose to ignore the two boys, something that the rest of the class had not done.

"Why'd you nick my book?" Sirius asked angrily. He had stood and looked down his nose at James, who was slightly shorter.

"Nick your book? You threw it at me!" James had accused explosively.

"Why would-" Sirius began.

James had then thrown the first punch. In a fit of fury, he had recklessly slammed his clenched fist into Sirius ribcage. Sirius had advanced on James, and the rest was a blur of flying fists and a very confused Flitwick.

Now the class was almost over. Sirius had yet to really throw a good, solid punch at James. He held back, curious to see whether James would ever think to use his wand. James breathed heavily and glared violently at Sirius.

"Please, boys!" Flitwick said in a high-pitched tone. "Please!"

James stepped through the rubble of a broken desk and looked up at Sirius. He sported several brightly hued bruises, but they did not hamper him from sending a look that clearly spelled out hatred. Sirius stepped away cautiously. James had the look of someone who was going to pull out all the stops and hold back nothing.

"Black," he said quietly.

Sirius looked confused for a second. Then, as realization dawned, he paled considerably. "James, what are you-"

"Shut up." James was backing away.

Sirius started to follow his year mate and attempt to get some sort of answer from him. Hot anger bubbled in Sirius veins. Having restrained himself the entire fight, Sirius was not nearly as exhausted as James.

"James!"

James turned around, his bag already over his shoulder. "What?" he asked aggressively.

Sirius was standing right next to him now. "This," he said simply.

Then he pulled back his fist and punched James in the eye.

"Sirius!"

Sirius turned warily. "Who's there?"

Stepping out of the shadows, a pale figure emerged. Remus looked tired and worried, but he attempted a small smile.

"Oh, Remus," Sirius said, relaxing considerably. "What do you want?"

It was the time that most students were sprinting up to the common room, trying to avoid being caught out so late at night. But Sirius was casually strolling the barren hallways. He figured that being out of the dorms was far safer than being in them, what with the situation with James.

Sirius laughed quietly. One day I'm worried about Snape. Next day, it's James. At least life's exciting…

"You know what I want," Remus said, catching up with Sirius.

"You want me to apologize," Sirius said dully.

Remus nodded.

"No way. James attacked me."

Remus nodded again. "But why that last punch?"

Sirius shuffled his feet uncomfortably. He waited a few minutes to see if Remus would let the question go, but no luck. Remus had stopped in his tracks, tapping his foot. "Well," Sirius began, "it was something he said."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I was behind you the whole time. I heard what he said."

Sirius threw up his hands in exasperation, glancing around the stone hallway. There were no secret passageways that he could use to escape Remus, who was in a very inquisitive mood. "O.K. You got me. I just like hitting people." It was a lie.

"Right." Remus smirked. "That's not it either."

"Fine!" Sirius said. "It was what he could have said!"

Remus stared at his friend, nonplussed.

"I'm a Black, Remus. My family's not the best," Sirius said in a falsely light tone.

"I know your last name, Sirius. And so what if your family isn't that great?" Remus said quietly as they turned the corner.

"It means a lot, Remus. Your dad's a wizard, right?" Remus nodded. "O.K., then you know how much people value bloodlines."

"Yes."

"Well then, as stupid as it is, my bloodline isn't good. I'm a Black," he repeated. "We're all murderers, thieves, cheats, bullies, and whatever else." He did not mention "whatever else". After all, that was just a rumor; it wasn't proved. Yet.

"Sirius. Make a name for yourself," Remus said seriously.

"I can't," Sirius whispered. "Snape knows. That's why we fought. James suspects, he's a pureblood so he'd remember the other families. So my name's made."

Remus shook his head sadly. "Only in your mind."

_**Wednesday, October 22**_

_Well. I haven't spoken to James since the fight. I really don't want to even think about James._

_Mostly I haven't spoken to anyone, actually. I know that everyone is whispering about how "violent" Sirius Black is. The teachers all look at me funny. All that rubbish Remus said about making my own name isn't going to work. My name is set in stone, pretty much._

_But, whatever. I've been pretty much keeping to myself since all this started up. It's fairly late, and I'm yawning tremendously. I know that these diary entries have become increasingly shorter as the days go by, but, honestly…. I have nothing to say. It's all the same: Fight with James, listen to Remus, brush off Peter and homework, sleep, maybe eat… Read the infrequent letters from home, traditionally screaming about my general horridness._

It was a Friday, which caused almost as much giddiness as a Saturday. Sirius, Remus, and James were trapped in the Potions dungeon. The multi-colored fumes that swirled into the air clouded and hazed the dark room caused Sirius to cough frequently. He had only contempt for Potions, which was in his mind one of the dullest subjects on earth. Even Remus, who tried to be the best at everything, found the class mundane. But unlike Remus, Sirius did not even try to succeed at the boring class.

James was the same way. Still showing signs from the fight, he was also holding up his resolve to ignore Sirius. This made sharing a table very, very awkward. Remus sat in the middle, trying to engage both boys in a conversation about illegal Kneazle breeding. It was the headlining story in the Daily Prophet, a newspaper that was famed for ignoring the important stories. Sirius sighed, leaning his head on the heavy, scarred oak table. He chose to disregard the constant stream of blather that Remus was spouting out and the glares James was craftily sending his way. Sirius was tired and only wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, this uncurbed desire led only to danger. Sirius actually fell asleep, his mouth open slightly. The girls around him cooed excitedly, exuberant at seeing the sulky, but good-looking boy in his sleep. James did not find this as amusing, considering that Sirius had chosen (unintentionally, of course) to fall into a deep slumber over James' Potions text.

"Sirius," Remus whispered. "Wake up and get off James' book!"

Sirius coughed. "Mimbleworten," he muttered. But his eyes remained tightly squeezed shut.

"Get off my book, you git," James said with absolutely no regard to the importance of Sirius' well-needed rest, something that the girls nearby found highly distressing.

"Well, if he needed sleep so badly, why didn't he do it last night?" James retorted angrily while trying to futilely tug his book out from under Sirius' head. The girls clucked.

"He's a tortured soul," one girl said softly.

Remus burst into laughter. "No, he was just out sneaking around in the kitchens 'til dawn!"

This fact seemed to only increase the gaggle of girls in their frantic and admiring whispers.

"Nice one, Remus, now they're even more obsessed," James said darkly. Remus snickered. Despite James' mutinous and furious expression, Remus could appreciate the hilarity in this awkward situation. If Sirius had been awake, those girls would have been covertly stealing glances at Sirius. But since he was temporarily unconscious, the girls had the bravery to openly fawn over him.

"Aw, come on, James! Don't be too jealous of Sirius… You know that the dark, brooding look is in this year," Remus said in a serious tone. The smile that was taking over his face betrayed Remus, however.

"Shut up. What happened to the timid, shy little Remus? You're enjoying this too much," James accused.

Sirius raised his head and blinked blearily at the steamy room around him. "Cheese toast is fine with me," he mumbled.

James swore.

**Author's Note: Hi! I'm going to write the new Chapter Six very soon. As you may have noticed, all I did to this Chapter was cut out the last part so I don't have to deal with the issues it presented.**

**I plan on ending the conflict between James and Sirius within the next two chapters, IF I can manage it. I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm working on some ideas.**


	6. Advice From The Grave

**Disc.: No! I own NOTHING! (except for my CD and book collection, which I'm very proud of…although you could argue that I don't own that either, because technically it belongs to the musician/writer?)**

**Author's Note: I sat down and rewrote this chapter. It took me a while, but I think you'll like it. Just don't get too mad at me for taking so long to update SBJ. I had forgotten how much I loved writing it.**

----

_**Monday, October 27**_

_Remus is gone again. This is the third time that's happened. It's worrying, you know. He got irritable and sick-looking on Friday, and he was so tired. He actually began to resemble me with these purple bags beneath his eyes. I haven't been sleeping well lately._

_Remus continues to attempt to reconcile me with James. But after this morning, what the hell can I do?_

_James was completely out of line. I didn't do anything, and yet he just harps on and on. It's not like I asked for it._

_The whole time I just wanted to knock him down. But I don't really want to have to explain why I broke my promise to Dumbledore. Every time I lose my temper with James, Dumbledore seems to know. And I don't want him… Disapproving, I guess._

_To make my day even better, flying class was postponed until next Monday because of the rain. Fantastic._

_----_

It was Monday morning and not exactly the best time for a Transfiguration class. Things were complicated by the tensions running between Sirius and James and the absence of the resident peacemaker. And when James and Sirius were partnered in an exercise of transforming hay into needles, sparks flew.

"Nice one, James," Sirius muttered sarcastically. James' attempt at transfiguration yielded minimal results. His hay turned a dull silver, but the hue faded.

"You try then, Black," James returned. While Sirius made a concession to the absent Remus by calling James by his first name, James himself could not bring himself to even do that.

Sirius waved his wand grandly and called out the incantation. Just as McGonagall was walking by, Sirius' bit of hay turned into a sharp needle.

"Very nice, Mr. Black. Now, Mr. Potter, have you had the same success?" she queried, raising her thin eyebrows.

"Um, almost," James mumbled. He waved his wand, but nothing happened. Sirius allowed a small snicker to escape.

McGonagall looked disappointed but resigned. "Several hours of practice, Mr. Potter, should bring you up to Mr. Black's standard. Class dismissed," she added to the room at large.

James seethed silently, but his pride would not allow Sirius to leave unscathed. While Sirius did have a small, gloating smile on his lips, he had no intentions of mocking James. The sole activity on his mind was a quick nap before their first flying class.

"Oy, Black!" James shouted down the hall. Sirius pretended that he hadn't heard.

"BLACK!" James yelled.

Sirius turned around. "What do you want?"

"Why'd you show me up? I know you did it on purpose," James sneered. Somewhere in his mind he knew that his comments were unjustified. But at the same time, Remus was not there to stop him, and James shoved his conscience into the deepest corner of his mind.

"What's the matter, _Sirius_?" James said. His use of Sirius' name came as an insult.

"Come on, can you just drop it?" Sirius said tiredly. "I didn't mean to 'show you up', I'm just good in Transfiguration."

"Quite modest. So you won't fight, huh? Gonna get one of your Slytherin family to finish me off one night?"

Sirius glared. "James, you know that I wouldn't—"

"Actually, I don't. Gonna get Snape to do me in, aren't you? I see how close the two of you are…"

"Shut up, Potter," Sirius retorted. "I fight my own battles."

Sirius had resumed his brisk walking pace. The tapestries along the walls were whirling by. James followed quickly. By now he didn't even want to fight Sirius, but it was a matter of pride. He couldn't give in.

"Black. You're a murderer, a thief, and a Dark wizard." James was grasping at straws, hoping that one of the insults might break Sirius' hold on his temper.

Sirius glared. "Shut up," he repeated.

James continued, "Liar, scoundrel, cheat!"

Sirius let a short laugh escape. "As if that could hurt me. Think about it, Potter. If I really was any of those things, do you think I'd be hurt by being called those names? And since I'm not, I'll just laugh at you."

Sirius stepped into the portrait hole. The Fat Lady wagged a finger at James as the door swung shut.

"Tsk, tsk, dearie. Don't go picking fights."

"Shut up and let me in," James said angrily, feeling very stupid.

----

_**Wednesday, October 29**_

_Remus is back. He's pretty tired. He's also mad at James, but he won't tell me why. I think it has to do with James' pathetic search for a fight on Monday. He made me tell him about it. To be honest, I was pretty pleased that I was an innocent bystander in that skirmish._

_I can't write more- sorry. Remus just walked in. Apparently he wants me to come and eat some dinner…I'm not hungry, but I'll go anyways._

----

At Wednesday night dinner, things were stressed.

James sat on Remus' left side; Sirius sat on Remus' right side. Remus attempted to engage the boys in a conversation on the day's Herbology lesson, but neither would oblige. Peter was conspicuously absent, and the reason was another source of contention between Sirius and James. Because of James' late-night return to the dorm on Monday, Peter had latched on to Sirius. Sirius had gotten frustrated and hexed Peter. The results earned Peter an extended stay in the Hospital Wing and Sirius two nights of detention.

"So, what did I miss?" Remus asked, abandoning the Herbology talk.

"James was being a prat," Sirius announced in between bites of carrots. The intended effect of his comment was immediate.

"So was Sirius!" James argued.

Sirius grinned lopsidedly. James was too easy to wind up. "Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Shut up," Remus said to the two boys. "Hello, Lily," he said to the red-headed girl who had just sat down.

"Hi, Remus. Where have you been?" she asked.

"Um, I…Visiting—" Remus began clumsily.

Sirius rescued him. "Now, now, Lily! Not even a 'good evening' for the best looking man here?" He winked at Remus, who smiled in return and went back to eating his peas.

James was not to be outdone. "Why thank you, Black. I had noticed that she hadn't said hello to me yet!"

Lily sniffed. "You two _children_ are impossible!"

"Thanks," Sirius beamed.

"So, Evans, will you go out with me? We'd be the best looking couple here," James said.

"No! I just wanted to know where Remus had been, but since the three of you—" (Remus shook his head in fervent protest) "—are being incorrigible, I'll just leave!"

"Not without a farewell kiss, I hope!" Sirius said, grinning.

"For me, of course!" James added.

Remus hid a chuckle as he watched Lily's face turn bright pink. "For neither of you!" she screeched, and stormed off.

"She loves me," James said dreamily. Sirius and Remus laughed.

"Not exactly," Sirius added. For a while, he had forgotten his previous animosity to James. But it seemed that James had not.

"I'm going to go and visit Peter. He's not in good shape, you know," James said, sparing a quick glower for Sirius. James stood up and left the Great Hall.

Sirius slumped down in his seat. "What the hell can I do?"

Remus looked uncharacteristically angry as he replied, "I don't know. But I'm getting sick of both of you!"

"What, me?" Sirius said in a surprised tone. "What have I done?"

"In your case, it's what you haven't done. James is incapable of reaching out. You started this feud, and for my sanity, you'll end it!"

Sirius kept his eyes trained on Remus' retreating back. Soon Sirius was the only one left at the long, wooden table. He stayed there until all the food was gone, thinking deeply.

----

_**Thursday, October 30**_

_To be honest, Remus is partially right. I started this feud. I guess. Is feud the right word?_

_No matter what word I use, it's the same problem. I've been here for almost two months, and I have yet to make any friends except for Remus. And right now, he's furious at me and James. I don't think that Remus is completely right, though. I can't help if I'm "distant". Yes, I've heard the words they use to describe me. The Slytherins glare at me as I pass. I have to dodge outstretched feet and stinging insults. But who am I to complain? I never liked them anyway. But now I have to hear much the same thing from my own housemates. I get this from all sides- school and home. It's not fair._

_It's not like James has any problems. And I tried to fix it! Ages ago, I tried to approach him. I'm tired of this mess. He should make an effort, but he can't._

_But…Camilla always said that nothing is ever righted unless you fix it yourself._

_----_

**Yay! I'm actually happier with this rewritten chapter than I was with the original. I have a plan for the next chapter…Which will probably be up later this week! I'm in a writing mood. R&R…**


	7. Halloween Triumphs

Disc.: Nope.

Author's Note: I'm tentatively posting this chapter. I am leaving in a week, so please read and review it and tell me if I should rewrite this upon my return. I'm still pretty proud of it, despite my reservations… Also, it has less journal entries and a lot more switching from James and Remus to Sirius, and back again. I think it's fairly understandable, however. :

**----**

_**Thursday, October 30, continued.**_

_I have to do McGonagall's detention in a few minutes. I just wanted to jot some thoughts down on the James situation. You know, I'm pretty tired of this too. But I still can't bring myself to just walk up to James and say, "Hey mate, let's be friends." But who knows?_

_Anyways. Enough about James. You would think that I'm obsessed with the guy, the way I carry on. On a different, happier note, there's this gorgeous blonde in Ravenclaw…_

----

Minerva McGonagall put Sirius to work writing out the addresses of next year's first-year students. She had Sirius work from a continuously updating list that was titled (in large, black script) "Hogwarts Students: To Be Contacted." As Sirius wrote out each address, the name would vanish from the list and he would move onto the next.

The work was mind-numbingly boring, so naturally Sirius mind drifted. He thought about the pretty Ravenclaw, Claudia. He thought about Remus and James and Peter, along with his other fellow Gryffindors. He thought about Quidditch and food.

As the night wore on, he settled into a pleasant daydream that involved Sirius himself soaring about on his new broomstick. He rescued Claudia from a menacing, messy-haired monster. Just as he was about to blast the monster, someone called his name admonishingly.

"Mr. Black? It will not do for you to fall asleep at your work," McGonagall said severely. Sirius shook his head and thrust the dream from his mind. He stretched his hand, and then wrote "Matilda McGoldie, 14 Partridge Way…"

----

It was the eve of Halloween, and James and Remus were sitting by the common room fire. Sirius was off doing his last detention with McGonagall. Peter had just returned from the Hospital Wing, and he was bent over his books trying to catch up on the work he had missed.

Remus was reading a book when James began to speak. "So, Remus," James began casually. "How's Black?"

Remus sighed. "Use his first name. And he's fine. Why do you ask?"

James shrugged. "Well, I was thinking about earlier. When we were eating, I might have been a little… A little harsh on him, you know. I was just in a really bad mood."

"Yeah. So, what are you going to do about it?"

"Do about it? I guess I could…" James paused, thinking.

"Apologize," Remus said in a knowing tone. He really didn't think James would apologize to Sirius.

----

Sirius yawned for the forty-second time that night.

"Mr. Black, I suppose you should leave, as it is late and you are obviously tired," McGonagall observed. Sirius stood to leave.

"Mr. Black, how are you doing with the journal I presented to you?" McGonagall asked in an almost tentative tone- not what you usually hear from Minerva McGonagall.

"Fine, Professor," Sirius replied tiredly.

McGonagall looked mildly surprised. "You actually use it?"

Despite his weariness, Sirius managed a sly smile. "On occasion."

"Hmm," McGonagall murmured. She looked up at Sirius and noticed that he was practically swaying. "You may leave now, Mr. Black."

"Thanks, Professor." Sirius left.

----

"Okay, I'll do it," James said, standing up. He wasn't sure if this was the right way to go about things, but he felt full of excitement and possibilities.

Remus stared at James. "You will? You'll apologize?"

"Yeah, I will. We can even wait up for him, if you don't think I'll do it." James grinned. Remus' quizzical expression made the whole situation even more ridiculous. James had known the whole time that his "hatred" for Sirius was really an act, and that all he wanted was to be liked by the seemingly untouchable boy.

"Wait up for who?" Peter queried, raising his head from his parchment.

"Sirius. James is apparently going to apologize," Remus answered.

James laughed and said in a bemused tone, "You don't think I'll do it."

"No, I don't. Recent events haven't exactly proved me wrong." Remus was also slightly shocked at this turn of events. But he had always thought that James' good-natured disposition would eventually force him to make up with Sirius. And Remus knew that James was feeling guilty about the week's events.

"Only for you, Remus," James said. "It's because of the deep bond we share that I'm willing to sacrifice my dignity and apologize to that mutt!"

"I hope you're kidding."

"Possibly!"

"Be serious, James," Remus began. "He—"

The portrait door swung shut. "No, I'm Sirius," Sirius laughed. He looked around the room and took in the scene. There was Peter, half asleep over his books. Remus was looking dazedly at James, who was grinning like a madman. The grin dimmed a little as Sirius stepped further into the room.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus said.

"Hey, Remus." He nodded to Peter and James.

Peter yawned. "It's midnight, guys. Time to turn in." Remus nodded, and after sending James a meaningful look, he followed Peter upstairs. Sirius was about to do the same time before James cleared his throat. James was feeling some trepidation, but also a little relief. James wasn't sure if Sirius would even accept the apology. In fact, James almost turned back. But the sight of Sirius' tired, expectant face and the disbelief of Remus cajoled him to speak. This was a bit like a dare, and James Potter was not going to lose.

"Um, Sirius. Can we talk?"

"Sure. As long as you're not going to attack me," Sirius replied, slightly defensive. Despite his own doubts, he sank into a chair opposite of James.

After two months of quiet animosity, things had boiled up to the surface. Both boys were so proud and stubborn, but nobody wants to maintain a grudge for this long, especially James. He had never experienced the difficultly of being thrown into constant contact with someone he didn't get along with. This new, and unpleasant, feeling nagged at him. And Sirius, cut off from any of his childhood acquaintances because of his House, needed as many friends as he could get. With these feelings in mind, the two were almost ready to drop their differences.

"Look, I don't hate you…I mean, we could probably at least be friendly, because we do share a room. But when you threw me into a door!" James said, semi-incoherent.

"Stop harping on about that!" Sirius interjected, but James ignored him and pushed on.

"That ticked me off a bit. So I just decided I'd hate you on principle. Which was a mistake, but what else could I do? You didn't go out of your way to make friends.

"Plus," James added, "you're a Black."

"I know."

"They don't have the best reputations, Sirius!"

"I know. So? I'm not my parents, James. I'm in Gryffindor. Doesn't that mean anything? Even if we don't get along, you can't just chalk that up to my family's reputations. I'm not the same." This conversation was wearing Sirius out, and at the moment he was prepared knock James down in order to get at his bed. But Sirius decided to wait and see if James had anything to say that was worth keeping Sirius from his bed.

"I think I'm beginning to see that you're a bit different."

Sirius shrugged. "Okay. That's nice."

"See!" James exclaimed. "You make it so hard to be even polite! You have this defensive wall built up."

"And you don't?" Sirius questioned, raising an eyebrow.

James laughed and looked into the common room fire. "Point taken. I guess I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Cool."

"Hey, aren't you going to say something?" James demanded.

"Fine," Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry, too. I could have apologized early, but I just didn't want to. That good? I'd add some flowery language and perhaps a few cartwheels in celebration, but I'm pretty tired. In case you haven't noticed, it's already Halloween morning."

James nodded. "Yeah, well, that works for me... So where do we stand?"

"Friends, I guess."

The two boys stood up and made their way to the dormitories, ready to begin a friendship.

----

**What do you guys think? Implausible? Not up to scratch? Excellent, or permissible? Let me know- I may have to do a rewrite, but I'm not sure.**

**R&R, please.**


	8. The End of the Beginning

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Author's Note: SORRY! I am so sorry. But IT'S DONE! Sort of. I hope you like it…It's a bit short, but I think it's a nice ending.

----

_**Saturday, November 1**_

_James apologized to me. I'm still reeling over the shock of it, I suppose. I mean, the bloke hated my guts for ages- although, it was only a few months, really._

_Anyways, we left it off pretty openly. What I'm trying to say is…well, we said we'd be friends. But I think I'm supposed to talk to him about it, you know? I asked Remus a little while ago about what I was supposed to do. The conversation was less than illuminating…Remus had skived off early Friday morning, and he just got back this morning. The usual lame excuse was given, but I honestly couldn't get up the energy to question it. Anyways, I let the kid off and allowed him to change the subject, as usual._

"_So, did James apologize?" Remus asked._

"_Yeah, he did. I think I was supposed to be a bit more…I don't know…Apologetic?"_

_Remus snorted. "You mean, you didn't apologize to James?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Well, that was a mistake. Still, were you both able to reconcile your differences?"_

"_I guess so…But what should I do now? I mean, he said we were friends, but is that enough?"_

_Remus took a long time before he said anything. I was a little nervous, because…I really want to be friends with James. It would be so nice to have another friend, especially now. This time of year is always hard for me, since it's the anniversary of Camilla's death. Normally I spend this day locked up somewhere, thinking about Camilla, but what with James' apology and Remus' reappearance, I haven't given it much thought. Anyways, back to Remus' reply…_

_He said, "Yes, and no. If you just want to have a civil friendship, then yes. But if you want to truly be friends with James, then you'd better do something."_

"_Like what?"_

"_Seek him out, Sirius. He did a hard thing in finding you- repay him the favor. And do it now; I've got to get some sleep. Wake me when you've talked to him, alright?"_

"_Sure."_

_It' s been about an hour since Remus and I talked. I guess I should go and find James…I think I know what to say…_

----

Sirius spotted James leaning against a plush, purple cushion and staring out the window. Rain pounded against the sheet of cloudy glass, and the common room was silent but for the dull roar of the fire. Sirius hesitated at the foot of the stairs, and he faltered. If he returned upstairs now…

"What do you want?" James asked as he twisted in his seat. He stared at Sirius expectantly.

In a rush, everything Sirius had wanted to say poured out.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't say that as I wanted to last night, 'cause I was tired and surprised. But I am, because I could have fixed this ages ago."

James nodded. "You said that last night. I get it. We don't have to be enemies."

"That's great, but I need to know that you don't hold any of that…stuff…against me."

James raised an eyebrow in a motion characteristic of Remus. "What 'stuff'?"

Sirius laughed desperately. "You know what I'm talking about. My family. The fights. Me throwing you into a door. But most importantly…I need you to know that I don't hate you."

James stared at Sirius, who was shaking (although it was almost imperceptible) with fervent emotion. Slightly embarrassed, Sirius plastered on a weak grin. "I mean, after all we'll be living together for the next few years. I know where you sleep, Potter, so you'd better accept my apology." Sirius thought for a few moments, and added, "And you'd better tell me if you hold anything against me."

James grasped at the slight humor in Sirius' voice. "Yeah," he drawled in return, "I guess I could take your sham of an apology and forgive you. You're not so bad of a Black."

Sirius did not even blink at the sound of his last name, as for the first time it was used jestingly. "Sure, Potter, as if you could take me…"

"I damn well could, you dog!"

Sirius smirked. "We'll have to see about that another time, young boy. I have to get some sleep."

James laughed, "That's right- old men need their rest!" And with that, Sirius flapped a lazy hand and leapt up the stairs. As he was about to turn the corner onto the first landing, he heard a quiet voice call from below.

"Sirius?" James said.

Sirius turned and peered at James. "Yeah?"

"I don't hold it against you."

Sirius' heart jumped. "Thanks, mate…"

And he bounded up the remaining stairs, with hope in his heart and finally, a happy ending for Remus.

----

_**Sunday, November 2**_

_Remus was sound asleep- like a log, actually- when I got back to the room, so I didn't wake him. Although I really wanted to._

_After all, it isn't any day that I set aside a two month long feud with a bloke and "kiss and make up."_

_Anyways, I got Remus up bright and early. Actually, it was bright and early for me (10 o'clock), and a bit late for Remus. I think I might be rubbing off on the boy. I woke him with a calm, collected greeting that went like this:_

"_REMUS!!! GET UP!"_

_I was immediately shoved from my perch, rather indecently, actually. Remus replied, also indecently…_

"_What the HELL are you doing, you damn MONGREL?"_

"_Easy there, Remus…Calm yourself. I have never heard such profanities issued from your divine mouth." Remus snorted, chucked a pillow at Sirius' head, and was forced to endure Sirius' all-knowing grin as the pillow sailed across the room._

"_Anyways," Sirius continued, "It's pretty late for you, and I have NEWS!"_

_Remus sighed, clearly resigned to his fate. "What."_

"_I did it."_

_Those three words meant a lot to Remus, I guess. He got what I meant immediately._

"_Thank God!"_

---

Exactly one week after Halloween, on a sunny Friday afternoon, four boys descended on a large, shady tree by a glassy lake.

The first two, one a lanky youth with fluttering black hair and dramatic facial features and the other a thin, peaked boy with large, all-knowing eyes, were chatting animatedly. The dark-haired boy was gesturing vastly with his hands, and the sandy-haired boy was softly laughing.

"Alright, Sirius!" the pale youth laughed, as the boy called Sirius threw himself onto the ground.

Sirius smirked, and replied, "What ever you say, Remus. But I'm telling you, it was a wild night…Girls everywhere…"

Remus rolled his eyes and settled himself on the ground, resting his back against the solid tree. He shaded his eyes and peered at two small advancing figures. "Oh, look- here they come."

Sirius paled slightly. "Okay," he mumbled.

Remus assured him, with a gently mocking tone, "He won't eat you. Everything is fine."

The two approaching boys, whose robes were swirling in the breeze, were just as different as Remus and Sirius. One sported several scrapes and scratches, and he was good-naturedly plump. The other was an athletic boy with brown hair that refused to be tamed by any brush. They grinned simultaneously in response to the hand that Remus threw up in greeting.

"Hey James," Remus said to the boy with the flyaway hair. "And you too, Peter," he added to the plump one. Sirius managed a nod. Despite Remus' assurance that James was ready to begin a long, lasting friendship, Sirius was more than a little apprehensive. After all, they had not really been afforded the chance to speak about anything of importance during the past week. Sure, the other Gryffindors (and a few perceptive members of the other Houses) noticed the amity between the two roommates who had once been sworn enemies, but that did not settle the fluttering sensation in Sirius' stomach.

Little did Sirius know, but James was feeling the same way. He had only agreed to sit down with Remus, Peter, and Sirius because Remus had been very adamant. Remus had even insisted that Peter tag along, for in Remus' words, "He worships you, James, and honestly, I think he'll be a good friend if we give him the chance." When James had remained skeptical, Remus had sighed and shaken his head. "This will seal it," Remus had said. "Then we can leave behind this…unpleasantness."

James laughed silently at the memory of Remus' understatement. It was hard to believe that he and Sirius could ever be friends, but James at last knew that he wanted it to be so. And so did Sirius.

But words could not convey the myriad of emotions the two boys experienced in that moment. While James had had an idyllic childhood, he had always wanted the comfort of a brother, who would be the ultimate best friend. And Sirius had never known what a true family felt like, as his own household was scarred by Dark Arts. Both boys were feeling as if they had finally come home, and yet, what words does one use to say such a tender thing? And so they did the best they could, as young boys are wont to do…

"Hey, Sirius," James said.

"Hey, James," Sirius replied.

They both grinned.

----

OH WOW. IT'S DONE.

Aren't you all so proud? I finished a story. Sure, it's only 8 short chapters, but still.

Anyways, I have good news. I'm foregoing the new story in favor of writing a sequel for this. The story doesn't have the proper note of closure, you know? So I'm planning on writing a sequel (similar length, hopefully) that deals with the second of their first year, during which I imagine the burgeoning Marauders discover Remus' secret and name themselves the Marauders.


End file.
